blog of the day...

well so far so good with my new medication. my doctor put me on 50mg zoloft for my social anxiety disorder & depression. i do have some side effects i get nauseated but not sick just nauseated, insomnia but it went away when i took the med in the am and not the pm and i get these how do i describe it.... these "auto" pilot moments. its like im not me but watching me it seems to happen mainly in the am after i take the med till about 11-12 then it tapers off or disappears. its not really bothersome i just kinda "zone" for a time then snap back. i dont really "feel" less anxiety yet but i just started them on march 18th. my doctor said i may need a dose upgrade im on the low one and can have up to 200mg. i still dont feel an erge to do the things other people do like leave there home, clean there home or even play with there kids. im hoping a combination of the medication and having my best friend back in my life will help me. its so hard to get out of my home and having a friend really helps. we are going to have coffee on the 31st im so excited!! we havent seen eachother for 2 yrs... this is so awesome!! im hoping she will see a difference in me when we see eachother :) or atleast think im where i was even 2 yrs ago. i have really gone downhill in the last 2 yrs and getting back to that point would definitely be an improvement!! you know what i just realized... im scared. im scared that ill loose my friend again :( i think thats why i havent been in real "contact" with her. i so badly want to be where we were but in the same breath im scared ill loose her again and be devastated again. she was like my sister. cj says im being silly he is just happy to see that light back in my eye. when i told him bout the coffee date i was so excited and he was happy to see me get excited again. maybe i am just being silly. im truly blessed to have her and her family back in my life and my familys life :) btw... i am taking my mother in laws calls again lol. well my little ones are stirring and want food so im leaving now :) till next time!

ramblings...

today is but an extension of yesterday. most the people in my home are angry and upset at decision made. let me bring it all to a head... lastnight was our final visit with grandma before she left for texas. it was brought to our attention what we already knew she needed to have gastric bypass surgery or well she wont be with us soon enough. her doctors are quite worried about her. seems only the doctors and me and cj are worried bout HER all the others in her life are only worried about themselves. CJ is beyond it all as this was how he was raised his mother leaving him when she shouldnt and always placing him below her boyfriends, lovers, family everyone in general. we spent alot of time trying to get her to see the big picture lastnight. we want her to live to see her grandkids graduate high school but she took absolutely none of it in. chad our 5 year old locked every door in the house so she couldnt leave and then cryed at the front door as his grandma tried to push past to leave. tears were shed by most. cj is wiping his hands of her. he feels if she dont care about dying why should he? he told her he would do the gastric with her they could support eachother in it and learn how to live after the surgery together. she didnt care she is determined to go to texas to take care of james, her mom and her dad. she now has to band both her legs at all times because they have gotten so large. did i mention she cant even reach her legs? i asked her who would do it for her and she said she would have to no one else would!! the doctor said she cant reverse this without medical intervention she needs the gastric or the consequences are death worst case and at minimum she will loose her legs!! did it matter... nope away she went in the car. she is supposed to keep her legs up at all times and that means driving at a minimum but in texas she has to do all that. there is no one else to do it for her. we talked lastnight and although she thinks we r coming to texas cj has said not until he retires his life is here now. as long as we are together he isnt coming back so her plans that we are coming are nothing but pipe dreams. it saddens me that my children cant have the things which me and cj had growing up our grandparents we right where we were to love on and be spoiled by. mine have to choose and 2 years ago they didnt 2 years ago before james grandmas life was here with her sons and her grankids but now she has james and he doesnt wanna be here so away she goes leaving her sons and her grandkids behind. just sad. she tried to make up all these excuses why james didnt come visit over the last 3 months while he was here but we know we are not retarded!! even when we went to their house he would go hide out in the bedroom the whole time... maybe grandma is blinded but we know we are not wanted in that relationship. from the time he enter the picture 1 1/2-2 yrs ago he has done nothing but push her to go to texas and she covers for him all the time drives me crazy!! the man gives me the creeps and cj is adamant about me not being around him alone. did i mention there was some sort of indiscretion when he was with cathy before? it involved cjs ex wife. cj says it happened no doubt but his mom on the other hand doesnt believe it did!! im sorry but with all the terrible things she and cj have told me i dont understand why shes with him again. all this crap is going to kill her!! she had to be hospitalized a month ago because she thought she was having a heart attack... HELLO to much stress!! me and cj are wiping our hands of it all. right now we are not taking her calls we have nothing more to say. she made her choice the second she left and we have to stand by ours. im not going to web cam the kids all it does it upset them when we have to turn it off its a nightmare and its not fair to them. chad completely shuts it down and wont even talk on the phone or get on the cam... hes his fathers son. cj wont take her calls and never gets on the cam. but hey on the good note she will have her precious james... at what a costly cost. come summer shes coming back to get andy which will leave cj with no family here anymore. what a nice mom!! she moved her in 2004 to be close to cj and her grandbabies just to leave right before chads first birthday in 2005 to be with billy her ex husband. then the relationship went sour and she came back in 2006 to stay for good bought herself a trailer and set up housekeeping and sold her home in texas. then in 2008 she got back with her ex ex james and in oct 2009 off to texas she went again!! all along we go on these rollercoaster trips... grandmas here sometimes and e1 is happy then u blink and shes gone again and our family gets sad and stays that way well not this time. im not going to put my kids through that again. she is either here and apart of our lives or she is there and we will see her next visit but the calls all day and the web caming all afternoon.... not doing it again. i cant take watching those little hearts break this time!! but on another note we are doing alot better at surviving week to week and getting the things we need to get done done and for that im happy. im planning to try and reconnect with my best friend again as soon as the weather changes maybe take the kids to the playground at north kingsville so Zoe and Abby can play together. im so glad to have my friend back in my life especially now with all this stuff going on. its like a hole in my heart was filled back up and im glad :)

a day in the life of a mom...

well today was such a busy day!! i woke up at the usual 8am to get the elementary kids off to school. nicole is suspended so only beth needed to get up and get ready. beth woke up with a stomach bug so i had mess to clean right off the bat ugg. i decided to keep her home and let the bug pass. mark my jr high child has been suspended off the bus so i need to take him into school and pick him up. i take him in late because i need to get the younger ones off but today i dont need to so i clean up the mess while the older ones help the younger ones get dressed. we still dont get to leave till 9am. i drop off mark at his school and head over to grandmas house to drop off 3 of the 5 i have with me. i visit with grandma and have a cup of java then me, becka & nicole head out to get our groceries. i speed demon it through the store and spend $280 to feed a family of 10 for a week. not bad considering my cart was exploding at the seams!! i head back to grandmas no time to visit i need to get the food home. so i take all 5 and away we go thanking grandma for the help. it truly is a blessing to have family there to help you with raising such a large family. we arrive home with our furry family barking up a storm... they miss us when we go anywhere!! i have the kids help unload the van and put away all the food. the little ones really like helping :) now that the food is put away its time to think about getting dinner started. no rest for mom. i get the roast started and add the carrots, potatoes and seasoning. mmm! in come the kids they want lunch! so i clean everything up and start again making pb & j sandwiches for them. with dinner started and lunch done i can finally sit for a minute and get a smoke and a cup of java. all this and its ONLY 12:45 in 1 1/2 hrs i get to load e1 back up in the van to go get mark from school. and i still have the joy of cleaning up from lastnights messes. wow what a busy day for me :) is it nap time yet lol!!

a cup of tea...

today was a much better day. i was able to complete all my morning routines and all my afternoon routines :) the kids dinner is cooking i have a nice warm cup of tea and i just finished shining my sink :) literally!! i feel so rejuvenated and i think i may be able to keep this going. im so proud of myself. i had a bump in the road with the kids trying to get them to sit and do homework or read for an hour but all in all i consider this day a good one :) i now have 30 minutes to sit and rest with my tea before going to work on the kids dinner some more then around 7-730 ill get going on mine and CJs dinner. we are having 1 stuffed pork loin chop baked not fried, 1 baked potato with 2 spoons of sour cream and butter and a small dinner salad. alot less than we would have a week ago. im sitting in a clean dinning room with a table ready to be eaten at :) and the living room looks great and no TV can be heard ahhhhh. my bathroom sink looks awesome and considering it doesnt work u would think it always would but the kids insist on using it and it doesnt drain right so it was icky but now its gorgeous!! toilet on the other hand i think i need a sos pad for i tried the scrubber and did the best i could :( still got gunk in the u know boys gunk place :| come friday ill get a better tool to finish it up :) so today my mood is on the up and up hope yours is too :)

Frustration..

i feel like im all alone in this. today was to be day one for my control journal. the day started all wrong. i woke to a bad sinus headache and asked CJ to bring me my nasal spray as i was in extreme pain :( i been fighting a sinus infection for 2 weeks so i knew without the spray i wasn't going to be able jump out of my bed flying. well he never brought it and i lay in a completely useless restless sleep till almost noon!! finally being able to get outta bed(had to pee bad) i grabbed my spray myself and within 5 minutes was flying :) to bad he didn't do it at 7am when i wanted to fly :( now im moving getting my coffee brewing when he starts yelling seems his xbox 360's not reading his modern warfare 2 disk. this becomes my problem so again i must put off my needs to work on my goals to help him get his machine working. well after an hour its apparent that the disk drive is bad in it so he needs to take it back to game stop and get another one(glad he had a warranty!!). well he cant do that till friday so hes outta luck & mad. i can now enjoy that first cup of coffee which is part of my routine i set. while im drinking it he goes to the basement to unfreeze the pipes going to our kitchen that had froze the day before. before i can even think about a 2nd cup hes yelling for me :| i head into the kitchen to refill the coffee cup and see what he needs. did i mention he broke my normal coffee cup and i have a itty bitty tea cup instead :| yeah so far im not impressed. i help him in the kitchen with the water (yeah its running again!!) when i notice the sinks not draining. he taps the drain pipe and it seams it froze too (oh boy) so he thaws it while i take bowl after bowl to the bathroom so the sink doesn't overflow since i need to keep the water on. i grab the plunger and get to work on the sink and finally we get it all squared away and i get my second itty bitty cup of java!! i drink my cup while i check my email and look at the FlyLady zone email. i will never get to cleaning that zone today but i want to get into the habit of reading it. now its about 245 teens will be here soon from school and today is errand day. CJ's last trip to the grocery store before i take it on. well i had thought he would be home from the store by 3pm but he actually left then :| we are so behind and i feel like im failing right from day 1. im left with 2 of the teens while he goes to get the 3rd one and do the shopping. i hand out somethings i need done before he returns from shopping so i will be able to put up the groceries and separate the meat. i ask tina to clean counters and wash dishes and david to pick up trash and take all the trash bags that are full to the basement. what i get is david goes to sleep on the couch and tina goes to her room to listen to the radio :( not part of the plan. so i get to go in and do what i can by myself to clean up 2 days worth of mess in the kitchen so i might be able to deal with the groceries and cooking dinner when CJ gets home. i just feel like i have no one helping me and everyone working against me. now davids girlfriend has shown up and hes up go figure! i need to get back to dishes more tomorrow :(

Control Journal

Grandma came over today and we started making our control journals. I just finished mine well almost did lol. I still need to decide on a daily routine but i want to get used to the before bed, morning & after school routines first. Baby steps. Trying to change the bad habits learned over the last 33 years wont be easy and I am sure ill fight it tooth and nail but taking it 1 day at a time is all i can do right now. Whats my next step? I want to do some rearranging to help me stop some of my bad habits. With hubby working sat, sun, tue, wed, thu this week it doesnt leave alot of time for him to help but what i need to do now, i need his help for so for now ill just work on the routines and come friday with him being off from friday till the following friday we will work to get the rearranging done. Grandma also got me 2 desk calenders 1 for the wall in my bedroom where ill be moving my desk to (outta site outta mind i hope) ill use that one to keep track of appointments, CJ's days off & things for the kids and the other is going to go in my Kitchen for me to write down the daily meals and help planning meals easier. so far so good :)

My first post...

Well here i am taking time to take 1 step forward toward my goals. I have a lot of plans for the new year. Lots of changes to make in myself and changes for my hmmm for all intense and purposes we will call him husband since we do live together and have kids together hes just dragging the feet on the whole marriage thing. We are going to hopefully begin to work as a team finally instead of me against everyone like we did the last 6 years. I need a change. I'm not what i would consider a "blogger" but i need to write down my thoughts, accomplishments, feelings and failures so I can get some kind of accountability when things go array. So when i do something that doesn't work I can go back to the drawing board and not make that mistake again. Since I don't have my best friend anymore to give me that much needed adda girl or a man who gives me a well done i figure at least i can come here and tell cyberspace and maybe feel good when I'm up and not get yelled at when I'm down. So here's to the start of a very slow process of reprogramming me to become a better mother, teacher, cleaner, dieter and all around person. Boy can u feel the excitement :|